Recently, a customer wrote to me and asked if I would discuss how the choices and decisions that each of us makes each day so often have impact far beyond what we would have imagined or planned. I am particularly interested in this topic because I have found that many of us are far too reactive in situations and we end up getting results we had never intended.
This is just as true in our personal lives as it is in our professions. Much like those first feelings of “falling in love” when all we can see is how wonderful and exciting another person is, we are blinded by our short-term thinking and desires. Obviously, our divorce rate shows just how poor our decision making can be when it is clouded by emotions and not the realities that accompany it. What is even more astounding is that many of those close to us know we are making a mistake and they may even try to talk us out of it but, like a horse in a race, we run with those blinders on and make it anyway.
The only “cure” I know for this is to not only be a long-term thinker but to also have a deeper understanding of why we are on this planet. What is our purpose (why we exist), our mission (what we do) and our values (what we stand for). If we are truly grounded in all of these areas, then we are far less likely to leave a trail of bad decisions and wounded people in our wake. Yet, how many of us could answer those questions clearly and with confidence and actually live them? Most of us are content to allow others to be in charge of our destiny. At least then we have someone to blame other than ourselves!
One of my favorite examples involves parenting. Today, too many parents want to be their children’s friends rather that the disciplinarians they need to be. They have this concept of unconditional love mixed up. We can certainly love our children and, indeed, many people unconditionally and still hold them accountable for the actions or choices they make. Too often, however, we scold them for the poor choice or inappropriate action but still protect them from the natural consequences we must allow them to suffer if they are to be held accountable and grow fully into themselves as a result.
I will never forget the time I called the police to report my youngest daughter as a runaway; she was actually in the neighborhood and showed up when the policeman was in my home discussing the incident that had occurred. She could not believe that I had done that and, of course, was angry. I also set my alarm for midnight every night and would check whether she was, indeed, in bed. The one time she did slip out, I caught her and, of course, there were consequences. This child was strong-willed from birth and I have often shared that raising her was much more challenging than leading the hundreds of people I have had the privilege of working with in my professional life.
Today, this daughter is approaching the age of 25 and I am very proud of who she is and the amazing contributions she makes as a truly gifted teacher. I cannot imagine how many lives she will touch as she creatively challenges young people to become who they are capable of becoming. Also, if I had a quarter for every time she has thanked me for the tough love of her youth, I would certainly have enough money for a nice gift!
This world is so hungry for authentic people, people who tell the truth and walk the walk and, yet, a day never passes that I do not have someone rationalize why they did something that they knew, deep down, was not right. Usually, it has to do with having the courage to actually live our convictions. We are so afraid of hurting someone’s feelings or not saying the right thing at the right time that we just let those opportunities pass us by. To me, this is a missed chance to help a person first recognize that what they are doing may be getting in their way. If we really cared about our work and our families, we would confront what we believe is wrong and at least present the opportunity to discuss alternatives. Who knows what ripples may result if we honestly faced those difficult situations that are always a part of living and working?
We’ll never know unless we muster the courage to give it a try.